A poem I wrote for my departure, of the journey and what I will take with me from Promis:
The Promis(ed) Land
It was not so very long ago, I waved my white flag to surrender,
Waking up bruised, my mind a blank, following another bender;
Awoken with horrendous doom, wracked, with guilt and shame
This insanity couldn’t carry on; it just didn’t feel the same.
No recollection of the night before, my head an empty space,
My hands began to tremble; my heart began to race;
A forgotten night of incidents, to continue my addictive saga,
To give me courage for the day, I reached for one more lager
For so long, I had reached so low, my light was nearly out
I needed help outside of me, I’m an addict, there is, no doubt;
I questioned why my will had waned; I believed it caused my strife
The drugs and drink that I controlled, now dictated and ran my life;
I was plagued with an illness, symptomatic of a drunk
I was treading in the depths of hell, a lot deeper I had sunk;
Nauseous, panicked and depressed, had trembles in the morning,
My breakfast tipple already drank, while others were still yawning
The fine white lines I cut and racked, were getting rather big,
My nose, a snout had replaced and I snorted like a pig!
When questioned as to my well-being, I replied, as always; “I’m fine”
Then turn to the powder, my comfort, my only help—-line.
I’d hit a new rock bottom, the bottom of the glass in sight
“What in hell, could I do, to attempt to put me right?”
Amongst the darkness, an epiphany, I had found the Promis land
“I may have a ‘little’ problem, would they understand?”
Aspects of the therapy, group sharing, nerves kicked in,
“Please God; answer my prayer, with a glass of gin!”
A reality soon hit me; as we all sat down to dine,
A meal fit for a Michelin star, but where was the bloody wine?!
Confidence grew slowly, with a reduction of the shakes,
As I listened to life stories, and admittance of mistakes.
I realised they wouldn’t judge, in sharing, started to immerse
I equalled my fellow addicts, I was better and no worse;
I have learnt a lot of theory, new terms to keep me clean
I have learnt that the step-work, is not another keep-fit routine;
It hasn’t been a long stay, but yet I have come so far,
The knowledge that AA recovery, is not only for my car!
What was meant to be the Big Book, instead was rather small,
But massive in its comfort, stories apt for addicts all.
I thought spirituality was an apparition, death, that life on earth was spent,
A connection with peace and serenity, I learnt what it meant;
I have spoken to God in the past, but I didn’t recognise,
That all I said was bullshit and ridiculous, black lies;
“I promise I’ll give up tomorrow and the day after that or two!”
Just let me drink for one more day, just to get me through.
The one-to-ones first scared me, they’d furrow my brow,
But the counsellors all listened, freedom of speech they did allow
A fondness of these angels, of each one I have grown,
I am thankful and so grateful, advice and empathy, they’ve shown.
Their wisdom and knowledge is relevant, but not as important to me-
As knowing that each one, has a past, an addict history.
Our learned chaperones and assistants, accompanied us quite happily,
Driving us to meetings, events and the odd supermarket, for some retail therapy!
I saw old patients returning, when perhaps not feeling fine
I learnt this was a top-up, not when a friend requests more wine;
Feelings on the daily sheets flowed, as I began to scribe,
Emotions of anger and regrets, I attempted to describe
I had lost my values and integrity, I stopped following a moral code,
I am certain they will return, as I commence this recovery road.
On days I will be challenged and feelings, that I cannot cope,
Confiding in friends, they can’t hang me, for it’s me who holds the rope;
The craving will rear its ugly head, on my addict I will turn my back,
That insane voice inside of me, my sobriety it wants to crack!
But then, I’ll reach to the higher power, on a particularly bad day
A force, a strength, so magnificent to keep the wolves at bay;
When I feel self-conscious and others make it tough
I’ll remind myself, the addict me, it’s not them, that’s just my stuff!
Patience is a virtue, time a healer, these proverbs, in front of me lay,
I will take each step slowly, keep sobriety in the presence; “just- for -today”
Never did I think, us addicts would form a drug-free bond,
Friendships of much love, of whom I’ve grown so fond
We’ve looked back with nostalgia, at so-called, happy times with mates
And realised how ridiculous were those sad and sorry states
I entered anxiously, occupied with impending doom and gloom
I have healed with love and laughter, which has overwhelmed each room;
Isolation my addiction caused and set me apart from most,
But I have met genuine, honest people here, of whom I will boast;
When I leave it will be positive, but tinged with sadness as I go
But clean and, sober and, confident as I walk out the Promis door.